Saturday, September 9, 2023

The Difference Between Real and Counterfeit Love by Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.d.


 The Difference Between Real and Counterfeit Love  

                                                            Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.d.                                                    

         We all want love, so many are searching for lasting relationships. On the other hand,  it “seems” as if relationships are painful, difficult, hard to find. Yet the fundamental truth is, there is no inherent problem with relationships. There is never a scarcity of love. Love is our natural condition. What keeps us from the love we are so hungry for? Most do not know the difference between Real and Counterfeit Love.

          Real Love is based upon the simple laws of love, Pillars of Love.  Counterfeit Love is based upon confusion, illusion, reaction. All the pain and upset we experience in relationships is because we are caught in the mazes of Counterfeit Love.  

                 Real Love Never Hurts or Wounds. If It Does, It’s Counterfeit Love.     

                                   “A feeling here on minute and gone the next,

                                             Cannot be called love.”


          Counterfeit Love is the idea that love is an emotion, excitement, infatuation or feeling of attachment. If we feel strongly toward someone, need and miss them, we immediately assume that we are in love. However, passing feelings do not last. And, living with Counterfeit Love simply breaks our heart in two.                                           

                                               Counterfeit Love Is

Believing That Love Is Excitement, Infatuation or Attachment

  Based Upon A Fantasy About Our Partner

Falling in Love with Our Fantasy, Not The Real Person

Using Another As An Object to Meet Our Needs

Mistaking Approval for Real Love

Dominating, Possessing or Controlling


                                       Pillars Of Love Are Based Upon Real Love. 

      Practice the Pillars of Love and watch your upset and conflict naturally melt away. It Is Impossible to Be Loving and Upset at the Same Time. See For Yourself.

                                                       Some Pillars of Love

A)    We Do Not Have To Be Loved To Be Happy; We Have to Learn What It Means To Be Loving. Most are unhappy in relationships because they crave to continually have their sense of self- worth affirmed. They long for approval. But when approval is gone, the hunger for more grips them, and anger and fear can arise.

B)    True Self Worth Comes from Being Loving, Not Loved.                      

The longing for approval is an addiction. The more we get, the more we want. Approval is a form of Counterfeit Love. Real love does not falter with changing moods. It is the essence of who we are and the more we give of it, the more fulfilled we become.                                         

C)    Your Partner Is Your Teacher In What It Means To Love

D)    True Giving Is Its Own Reward. Do Not Give To Get

E)    Open Your Hands If You Want To Be Held

F)     Don’t Make A Person Into An Object to Meet Your Needs

G)   Real Conversations Dissolve Loneliness; Learn To Listen and To Hear

H)   Give Up Blame, See The Value Beauty In Everyone You Meet      


Real love does not falter with changing moods. It is the essence of who we are, and the more

we give of it, the more fulfilled we become. It is impossible to be loving and upset at the same time.


The article is based upon -The Unshakeable Road to Love (Value Centered Relationships),                         



                                                           The Unshakeable Road to Love




Book Summary


The Unshakeable Road to Love (Value Centered Relationships) is based upon Eternal Principles from all world scriptures, including Zen. These tried and true Eternal Principles, the Pillars of Love, show how to build foundations for relationships where happiness and well-being are inevitable. And where pain and conflict can dissolve on the spot.


A radically different approach to love and psychology, the book offers a completely new perspective on fulfillment and what is truly needed to thrive. For example, one of the Pillars of Love upon which the book is based is:


To Be Happy, You Do Not Have To Be Loved, You Have to Learn What It Means to Be Loving. 


The book explores the difference between Real and Counterfeit Love. We discover how all suffering in relationships is due to being caught in the trap of Counterfeit Love. And how easy it is to break free from bondage and leave that trap behind.


This is a book of practice, filled with Turning Points, Pillars of Love, Interventions, and many enjoyable exercises so the reader can practice these principles in all their relationships and in their everyday lives.


Written by a psychologist, Interfaith Counselor, and long-term Zen practitioner, the book combines the practices and principles of both East and West, helping us to discover and celebrate the best in ourselves and others.


Publisher: Brenda Shoshanna (October 2022)

ISBN-10: 1094378046

ISBN-13: 978-1094378046

Print length: 208 pages


Purchase a copy of The Unshakeable Road to Love on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. You can also add this to your GoodReads reading list.


About the Author


Brenda Shoshanna is an award-winning author, psychologist, Interfaith counselor, and long-term Zen practitioner and speaker. Her work is dedicated to integrating the teachings of East and West and making them real in our everyday lives. Brenda has offered over five hundred talks and workshops on all aspects of personal and spiritual development, relationships, and living an authentic, meaningful life.


You can find her online at:


Author Website: and

Book Website:

Her Plays:

Her Podcast:

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